Do you know what your true purpose is? I mean, really truly know. How many of you get up everyday and are totally thrilled with what you’re doing with your life? You can’t wait to wake up, sleeping is basically keeping you from doing what you love to do. The reason I ask is because I’ve never felt that way… completely. Which is a big reason why I absolutely love, love, love hearing peoples stories. I mean, love it. Could listen to them all day long. Literally. It’s also another reason why I soooo love reading all of your blogs!
It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed doing certain things in my life. I’ve just never had that true feeling of pure contentment of loving what I’m doing with my life. I’m speaking from a career standpoint of fulfillment. I have always been envious of peers and friends who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their life essentially since they were a child growing up. They seemed to have their life map all worked out at such a young age and then continued on the required path to get there. I remember friends saying they were going to be a fireman, accountant or a nurse and that’s exactly what they ended up being. How the hell? I was fascinated and would try desperately to be a part of that group. The group who always just knew what they were meant to do. I never wanted to be a nurse or an accountant. Boring. No offence to all of the nurses and accountants out there! You guys rock! It just wasn’t for me.
I grew up wanting to be a singer. Yep, a singer. I know, right. Odd ball. I always alternated between wanting to be a singer/entertainer, author (like Daniel Steele) or an actress on a soap opera (at 12 I decided I’d be on All My Children) It was the only one we were able to watch on the one channel we had. Small town girl here.
Like who wants to be a damn singer/entertainer for real? Okay, wait a second… let me answer that. In this reality fame generation EVERYONE and their dog wants to be a singer or entertainer. Hence why millions and millions of people audition for American Idol type tv shows. But let me just remind you, when I was growing up no one I knew ever said ‘I want to be singer, screw college!’ Not one person. I grew up in a small town in Ontario. No traffic lights small town, so to dream that big was unheard of and frankly was laughed off as being a silly unattainable idea. Small town mentality?
I used to perform for family gatherings and neighbours. I could belt out a mean Loretta Lynn song or pretend I was a female Johnny Cash. My parents were big influences as they always listened to country music and still do. Gotta love some Conway Twitty. When I got way older (like 10) and seen Blondie perform on American Bandstand I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I wanted to be her. I was obsessed. Never seen anything like her. A beautiful girl being a kick ass rock star! Fricking amazing. Then it was Pat Benetar. Years later, Madonna. I know, dream big if you’re gonna dream.
My parents never completely discouraged me, in fact when we eventually moved to a larger town (one with a traffic light) they bought me a guitar and hired a vocal coach but that’s about it as far as the resources being available at that time. There was no social media then, no information to guide us, dead ends. That and the fact I was constantly conflicted by what I truly felt I wanted to do and what I felt I was expected to do with my life. Could’ve been all in my own mind. Who knows? I’m like a walking mix of contradiction, worried about what people think of me one minute then not give a damn the next. Hate raisins, but like them in bran muffins. Things like that. Messed up. Plus I’m one of those type A Virgo types. I completely annoy myself at times. Always searching and needing answers to things, creating more questions for myself, never ends. Where the hell is the off button? Spent most of my life being a big time people pleaser. Trust me, I’m a work in progress. Getting better now and learning to just say ‘Hell No!’ when the situation requires. God I love Oprah and her advice…
Good book btw.
It’s just a matter of life circumstances and things happening the way they’re supposed to. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I guess if I had truly wanted to attain that dream of being a singer/entertainer I would’ve packed up and moved to Nashville or Hollywood. Instead, at 18 years old I met my now ex husband and got married at 20 and had kids. (very small town mentality) Choices. It’s all about choices. I always knew I wanted kids so that was never a hesitation or a hard choice for me to make. That was probably the one and only thing in my life I knew I wanted. Oddly enough I never even liked kids (other peoples kids) but always knew I wanted my own. Again, major contradiction. However, having children so young (kids having kids) does make it more challenging to accomplish certain things. Not impossible, just more of a challenge. I love the comic Louis C.K. he’s brilliantly funny and he jokes that having kids ruins your life and crushes your dreams. Now I tell my kids that. He has a point. Maybe I should just blame my kids?
Even after I was married, had our son at 22 and was going to college at night, I still had that desire to be close/involved in music. By then we had moved out here to the west coast (Vancouver). I found a vocal coach and worked with her for a couple of years. I still had some hope in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe one day I will do something with it. Don’t ask me what? It just made me feel better. See, always a contradiction mixed in with the that damn people pleaser disease… another fine example: Going to college for Marketing & Business = what people expected of me vs. vocal lessons = what I wanted. Life has a way of moving along, things change, situations arise and you are left to hang on and make the best of it. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I sometimes think I’ve done too much making excuses in the past. I’m also working on that. It’s on my list. Long damn list.
I’m over the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been a singer/entertainer days but I’m still searching for that fulfillment. I have at least figured out through out the years that I need creativity in some form or another. And even though blogging is new, I feel a great sense of satisfaction already. There is so much more to come for our blog! Finding complete fulfillment is a work in progress, but isn’t that true of everyone at least to some degree? Isn’t that what this journey is all about? Discovering? Growing? Finding our true purpose? Seeking what truly fulfills us? I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Can I? So many questions Laura!
I believe once you get on the right track, listen to your instincts, you will eventually get to your personal destination. Whatever form that may be for you. For some (uh, yes, myself) that road has a little more hills, twists and turns. Thing is to keep going, learn a lesson or
million two and keep following that road to your own personal version of destiny. What are your dreams? Your desires? Are you living your soul’s purpose?