Life

Oh No He Didn’t! (Chapter of Wayne – Part 2)

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As promised after our first meeting at the pub that night, Wayne did call me and we planned a date. We set up a time and place and decided on sushi and a movie. Don’t even ask me what movie we went to see, I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter. However, what I do clearly remember is I definitely was no where near being ready to jump into dating, let alone a relationship. I wasn’t over my ex husband (of 20 years) by a long shot. Hmmmm… let’s call my ex husband, Damian. Yes, Damian. It’s a very ‘Harlequin Romance‘ kinda name don’t ya think?  It’s my story, I can assign whatever name I choose. Anyways,  if you asked me at the time I’d say ‘hell ya I’m over him!’  But hell no I wasn’t! I admit it. Apparently for every 5 years you are with someone, it takes approximately 1 year to ‘get over‘ them. So I was with Damian for 20 years… well, that’s 5 fricking years of waiting to get over him! I ain’t got time for that!
Of course I wasn’t over my ex husband. Hell, I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely over him. Us Virgo’s are known to become very loyally attached to those we give our hearts to and tend to want to hang on forever. It’s hard to let go. Real hard.

So, almost a year after separating from my husband and having gone on numerous online dating meet and greets, I naively jump in and start dating Wayne. Immediately I’m comparing every little thing Wayne does to that of my ex husband. I mean everything. The way he speaks to the server (very telling you know?)  the way he eats his food, how many drinks he consumed in such a short time frame(don’t think I didn’t notice), the way he puts way too much sushi in his mouth at once. (Hello!)
All of these teenie tiny signs combined equals one great, big Red Flag.
My girlfriends at the time would say I constantly compare, compare, compare. They’re all like, ‘You’re not being fair to Wayne. Stop comparing, everyone’s different.’ On and on. I was just simply pointing out that Damian did things a certain way. And ehm, well, Wayne doesn’t. That’s all. Chill.

I clearly remember sitting across from Wayne at the sushi restaurant and thinking, I’m not completely attracted to him in that way. I mean, he was attractive yes, but something wasn’t quite right. I remember on our first date being uncomfortable when dinner was over and the waitress brought the bill. He kinda just continued letting it sit there, between us. It got very uncomfortable. It felt like he was waiting for me to take care of it. Or maybe it was all in my mind. But no, I don’t think so. From previous posts you know I do have some issues with that. Completely out of touch with the times and rules of dating. Who pays? What’s the dating etiquette? I figure if you get asked out on a first date, the man should pay, no? What the hell do I know? Red flag #2 because ‘who pays’ later became an issue in our relationship.
An issue because guess who ended up always paying?
Yours truly.

Wayne and I had been dating for a couple of months. Like clock work, every Friday night you could guarantee a party at his place. Now this wasn’t a problem for me initially. Remember, I had been solely a wife and mother for the past 20 years, so it almost seemed like I was making up for lost party time in a sense. I was with my ex husband since I was 18 so I missed the whole partying and going out stage. Wayne and I had so much fun. I have since realized that we had the most fun when we were drinking.  It’s not like we didn’t have fun without alcohol, but let’s just say we had more fun with alcohol. And for me, 2 glasses of red wine and I’m so there. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, total wussy light weight. Or cheap date, whichever.

The alcohol was a good thing and a bad thing. Good in that when both of us were intoxicated, we let many potential spats slip by. Bad because the ones that didn’t slip by were ridiculous and typically made no sense what so ever. Obviously the communication between two drunk people can sometimes get construed and not make any bloody sense. We would then proceed to beat that particular subject up to no avail. It would end badly with one of us stomping off and locking them self in the bedroom and crash. In the morning either we forgot what we were actually arguing about or continue the argument. However, my fighting/disagreeing/arguing style typically consisted of just shutting down and giving him the good ol’ silent treatment. I know how much men love that. Oh yea. You can imagine how well that worked out. I have to say that method was all I’d ever done in my marriage so that’s what I naturally turned to. Wayne couldn’t tolerate that at all and would insist we talk it out.  He would always say that I put up walls, and I swear to God if I heard him say one more time “Oh, there’s them walls you put up!” I’m pretty certain I was gonna lose my mind.
Looking back, I think know those walls were actually me not being totally into him or allowing myself to be into him. Whichever. I’m always a contradiction. Thing is I was a confused mess, I liked him a lot, but I didn’t. He wasn’t Damian. That was perfectly clear.

Wayne was the only guy I knew who actually wanted to dance with me, all of the time. Even when friends were around. He didn’t care. I loved that he would take my hand and lead me to the dance floor or to the middle of the living room and waltz with me. That was something I remember my parents doing plenty of times when my sister and I were growing up. They would dance and talk all night long, I loved that aspect of their marriage. I told Wayne that too. He knew how special that was to me. Those kinds of moments are so simple yet last forever in your memories. I only hope that when I do find ‘the one‘ we will be able to share that as well. I love that closeness.

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I don’t know exactly what it was, but there was always something that felt a little off with my feelings towards Wayne. Like when we would be out at friends homes, a pub, or anywhere around other people and alcohol, I would become uptight and nervous. I would be embarrassed at the things he would say, the unpredictability of what he might say. The way he would act after a number of beers. Almost confrontational with anyone he might be talking with. But afterwards when we would go home and we were alone, it would all be okay. I’m going to go ahead and say that typically the more alcohol between us the better things were. Not completely ideal. He was an up tight kind of guy, and I can be an uptight kind of girl (no shit).  Not the greatest combo. But with alcohol he was less uptight and I became more attracted to that guy. The drunk guy was ‘fun relaxed guy’, that’s the guy I liked best unfortunately. He was completely focused on me, treating me like a princess and I would forget all about any inappropriate behavior he had displayed earlier. This became a routine in our relationship. The times we were by ourselves it was different. It was better. So eventually without even realizing what I was doing I would make excuses up for us to stay in, not have people over.  Instead insisting we stay at home together, alone. I would tell him I’m dealing with people all day long, I’d rather just spend the evening alone, together. He rarely disagreed, ever. Instead we started sharing amazing Friday nights at home alone. He loved to cook and was a fabulous cook, I’d sip red wine while assisting him. By assisting I mean watching. You know, keeping him company in the kitchen.
We would put the music on, have drinks, dance and talk all night long. I loved it.

We were only seeing each other once a week, twice at most, and that would usually be Friday nights. Saturday nights he would play poker with the guys. Religiously. I didn’t mind at all except if for some reason or another we couldn’t see each other on the Friday night and he wouldn’t give up poker on Saturday night to spend it with me. You know what they say? He’s just not that into you! If he was, well, he surely would choose spending time with me over poker at least some of the time.  Well, I hadn’t read He’s Just Not That Into You yet so I was not getting it. Plus I was so damn needy then. Couldn’t stand being single, alone, lonely, always wanting to be with someone. Coincidentally he was that someone at that time.

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That was until one particular Saturday night while he was at poker and we were texting each other back and forth. I sensed something was off.  He finally tells me, via text, that his on again-off again ex girlfriend he dated before me wanted to get back together. Turns out the friends house he plays poker at was the ex girlfriend’s brother. Ahhh, perfect. She wanted to give it another try. Uhh… okay? Well, that’s very unexpected. I remember being completely shocked.  Not heart broken, just shocked. No one likes rejection.

He’s breaking up with me? pffft! Isn’t that ironic?

Laura xo

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Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

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I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I still have my profile up on a paid dating site. However, I have not actually been out on any dates in literally months.
I know what you’re thinking… why the hell not?

Well, I’ll tell you why not. I just haven’t come across anyone who I’ve really had complete interest in. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been asked plenty. Men still come a callin. That’s not the problem. I still got it. I think.

Problem is, I seem to have come to a place of having set some pretty high standards for any would be callers.
Potential dates. Future boyfriends. Possible husband. You get the picture.

For the past few months I have been going with the flow of these incredibly high standards I have created.  But now thinking it over, I have to tell ya, I am becoming slightly concerned with my own feelings regarding this whole new philosophy and my increasingly comfortable lack of interest or effort.

I mean, have I gone and set the potential mate/date standard bar so damn high that no one will ever realistically qualify? Have I just become so complacent and nonchalant about dating that I now prefer to sit back and let possible ‘awesome guys‘ slip through the intense high standard cracks I’ve built? (My mother seems to think so.)

Anyways, let me give you my answer to that.
Nope, I don’t think I have. Well, not completely anyways.
I tend to think that because I’ve had so much experience with dating trials and tribulations since my divorce, I have come to a place of just not wanting to deal with anymore bullshit. No more Mr. Wrongs of any sort. No more Mr. Maybe’s or Mr. What Ifs. Not even second chances and/or excuses for their short comings. No more wasting time. I can’t tell you how over all of that shit I am. Therefore, yes siree, my bar is set damn high now.

So now I have chosen to sit back and take the minimal effort approach of waiting until the absolute Mr Right (for me) strolls into town and makes himself known to me. Howdy cowboy.
In choosing this method I now have no choice but to do some rehashing of tales gone by.
Yes, by the lack of having any new dates to blog about I’m resorting to reminiscing and reliving all of my previous dating stories. But I’m opting to think of it as therapeutic journaling for myself (and for anyone else who is just trying to figure things out as well.)
I can’t be the only one out there trying to figure out this debacle of a dating world we’re living in. Can I?

Hellooo??? Anyone?

That’s where blogging comes in.
Basically, I’m going to share all (or many) of my past dating experiences since my divorce.
Perhaps, on paper (blog) I’ll be able to make some sense of these dating experiences which are now a complete jumbled up mess in my mind.
Possibly I’ll uncover any poor dating patterns I possess (fairly positive I may have just one or two) or I may discover I’m in need of some real deep therapeutic professional help. Let’s hope it’s not the latter.  Not that there’s anything wrong with professional therapy. I highly recommend it. I just know if it gets to that point, well, I could be there for so, so long. And for so many reasons.
I just don’t have the time for that.

So let me just start at the beginning. Well, (the after my separation/divorce…6 years ago beginning.)  My marriage and divorce stories will all be told in due time. I swear.

In an effort to get the history of guys/dates straight for you (and for me) I am going to write out a summary of sorts. Guest starring roles of men who have made more then one appearance in my life.
I have had plenty of ‘meet and greets’ in between my semi relationships/long term relationships that I won’t include on this list. I’ll save that for yet another list. That’s gonna be real fun!

Bare with me.

Okay, let’s start:

#1. The Hydro Guy (we’ll call him Enrique)

– 36 years old
– Total mutual chemistry, I mean total
– Met on a online dating site (at this point I’m still debating whether free or paid dating sites make any difference)
– Divorced father of 2 younger children, was married 10 years
– Really really good looking…I mean, really, good looking (albeit kinda short but whatever)

He eventually went running in the opposite direction after a couple of months of casual dating saying he knew he was the first guy I’ve dated after my divorce and knew he’d be my mandatory rebound guy. Although I disagreed then, he was probably right.
Such a pity. I really liked him.
Ironically a month ago his profile showed up on my ‘top matches’ of a dating site… hmmm, we’re both single again. How completely depressing.

#2. The Tradesman Guy (we’ll call him Mark)

– 38 years old
– Total mutual chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site
– Father of a young daughter, never married
– Light haired which I’m typically not into, but I found him oh so very nice
– Not sure he was completely over his baby’s mama yet

He was confusing in that he was totally into me, made it very obvious yet seemed hesitant to get too serious… I’m only guessing here, but it could have to do with the previous point.

#3. The Rock Star (we’ll call him Ross)

– 32yrs old
– Total mutual chemistry, like I think I’m in love at first look kind of chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site
– Father of a young daughter, never married

First night we met we closed down the coffee shop, sat outside on a park bench until the late hours of the summer night, said goodbye, than half an hour later he called and we both got in our cars and met each other half way at a local McDonalds, sat in the parking lot and talked for 3 more hours.
He asked me one day what I would do… follow my life long dream or stay for a possible true love?
I had to say goodbye and set him free while he toured the world.
You know the saying? Set him free, if he comes back he was meant to be. Or something like that.
Well, he never came back.
I could’ve fallen head over heels, I still smile when I think of him.

#4. The Semi-Retired Sales Guy (we’ll call him Kevin)

– 42yrs old
– Total mutual chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site
– Father of 2 older sons, was married for 12 years

He wined and dined me, always VIP at numerous restaurants and clubs.
Something always seemed a bit off, like he was with holding some top secret information from me.
I probably came on way too strong and my neediness at that time was pathetic. His feelings for me went from very hot to super cold seemingly over night. After a couple of months he disappeared. I became obsessive and my ‘previously cheated on PI instinct‘ kicked into overdrive and I finally tracked him down.
He acted like an a**hole and I acted like a crazy bitch.
Yeah, that ended badly.

#5. The Entertainment Guy (we’ll call him Shawn)

– 39yrs old
– Met on a free online dating site (yes, seems to be a pattern)
– Never married and no kids

Found out he was close friends with members of a very well known ‘bike club’ but not an actual member of this well known ‘bike club’. Made me kinda like him a little bit more.
Bad boy attraction. I’m so gullible hey?
Took me to a lot of concerts and shows, always VIP, made him even more attractive to me.
Liked to treat me well, I became too serious too soon, he got scared and ran after a few months.
Hmmm… am I detecting a pattern here?

#6. The Young Guy (Ray – I’ve made mention of him in previous posts)

– 26yrs old
– Total and complete mutual chemistry
– Met on a free online dating site

He keeps making appearances in my life to this day… literally, I got a text from him earlier this evening.
I still can’t put my finger on what we shared/share…when I figure it out I’ll let you know.
You can read more about our background – Play On Playa part 1 & 2.

#7. The Sales Guy (We’ll call him Wayne)

– 35 years old
– More chemistry on his part, I had equal chemistry for him when I had red wine (don’t judge)
– Met at a pub (now that’s different)
– Never married, no kids

Our story is a little more complicated and was one of my 2 longer relationships I’ve been in since my divorce.
We dated 2 separate times, first time was 6 years ago for 2yrs (on and off) and the second time was a year and a half ago for approximately a year.
Our first time around was a messed up affair involving his drinking and eventual admittance to heavy cocaine use mixed along with my dire clinginess/neediness/fear of being alone-ness.
Yeah, not a good mix-ness.
Ended badly with him being a cold hearted  a**hole, threatening to call the cops when I turned into a crazy bitch outside his door demanding the return of my precious bag of makeup. Okay, okay, looking back my reaction was just a wee bit over the top.
If that isn’t reason enough to never see someone ever again don’t ask me what the hell I was thinking actually getting back into a relationship with him again three years later!
Ummm… slightly desperate maybe?
Yep, round two. But I can explain in future posts. Really…I can!
Our second time around (2yrs ago) ended a year ago with me breaking his heart and then him refusing to speak one word to me since.

#8. The Unemployed (rich parents) Mama’s Boy (lets call him Ron)

– 34yrs old
– Met on a free online dating site
– Never married, no kids

I fell head over frickin heels for him, in a great big way.
He treated me like a princess, bought me gifts, now I’m the least materialistic person but it sure was a nice change being spoiled.
We had a 3 year relationship, on and off (mostly on but should’ve been off) with the last year of it being long distance.
Our love story turned into a tale of lies, hurt and deception on his part.
Funny enough he now lives across the country and I still get regular messages from him.
Regardless of the pain he caused I loved this guy to the moon… hmmm, anyone know of a good therapist?

Well I think that about covers it. Mostly.
Writing this list I remembered other guys I had went out with just a time or two. That I’ll save for yet another list. That will be oh so fun!

Til next time,
Laura xo

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“Acoustic Guitars Are Not Rock N Roll” Whattt?

I know all of you are dying to know. Did I renew my online dating subscription or didn’t I?
You must be losing sleep wondering what I ended up doing.
So not to keep you all in deep suspense any longer you should know that I did end up renewing my online dating subscription. Well, that’s not entirely true. I just didn’t cancel on time so it automatically renews. That system is either very efficient or sneaky, depends how you look at it.
I knew perfectly well that my account was up for renewal on August 22nd and the days leading up to it I would look at my messages with that subtle flutter of hope that something would surprise me. That there’s one message waiting for me… gonna change my life. I know, I’m being extreme. I’m tired, it’s been a long, stressful kind of day. Work was umm, interesting. But let me get back to my work thing in a minute.

I purposely let my online dating subscription renew with the justification, ya just never know what will happen. Having more options is always a good thing, so that’s what I’m going with for now. However, I have seen a huge transition in my whole outlook on dating since my divorce. I was discussing it over sushi with a girlfriend last week, she has already gone through that ‘dating transition’ after her divorce so she related completely which is so awesome to have that validation from someone who gets exactly what you’re talking about!
I think I might have given the impression on this blog that made it seem like I don’t get any messages on the dating site, that no one shows interest, or sends me winks and clicks the ‘they’re interested button’ when my profile pops up on their screen. That I go on zero dates, poor, poor me. I’m not that pathetic, yet.
I should clarify, I do get plenty of messages (just none that interest me, you ladies know what I’m talking about here), have been on more meet and greets and dates then I care to remember (mostly) and now I simply feel different about the whole process.
The thing is I am not trying to fill that ‘being a couple’ void anymore. I am more focused on me, myself, figuring out who I really am on my own. And guess what? I am content on doing exactly that. I’m pretty damn impressed with myself too. Oh hell yeah I am! It’s like my own personal achievement, some sort of self realization that I finally see. I’m a late bloomer, what can I say!
I do have to say that since my online profile was renewed yesterday, for some strange reason my email sorta blew up yesterday and today with an unusual amount of messages and winks (who doesn’t appreciate a wink right?) Hmmm, not sure what that means or why there’s so many? A sign of encouragement from the dating site gods, like way to not give up Laura! orkeep up the positive awesome attitude, good things are coming!’ Not too sure what it means. Probably nothing at all. I tend to make up fantasy reasons for things, love the mystery ya know?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Let me finish by giving you the brief run down on my less then stellar, stressful day at work.
Let me just say that I was to have a big important meeting with a big important person, (aren’t they all so important?) Anyhow, busy busy busy with prepping and organizing and I pretty much felt totally confident with my overall presentation. Now long story short, I had a theme for this event and that was to represent rock and roll and a particular rock star. His picture was plastered everywhere and on my main display among many rock and roll themed items, I had displayed an actual guitar. My boss pulled me aside 15 minutes before the main ‘important’ person was to show and proceeded to tell me that the acoustic guitar was not rock and roll.

Ummm…what?!

She firmly argued her view, and even went on to say that acoustic guitars make her think of classical music, not rock n roll.
And she was completely, 100% dead serious. She drilled me for at least 15 minutes as to how I think the guitar fits into the theme. I have been to probably hundreds of music concerts and shows (plenty of rock and roll shows) and I’m pretty sure they use guitars of all sorts. Electric and acoustic. Heck violins are even used in some rock bands.

I was totally taken aback and frankly confused at the questioning. It didn’t make one bit of sense to me yet she was sitting there looking at me like I was not making one bit of sense to her.
I stood my ground and defended the good graces of all things rock and roll and said I disagree with you!
When it comes to certain things in life, a girl’s just gotta stand up for what she believes in.

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Til next time,
Laura xo

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Dating: Shall I Go On?

Most of my written posts have been about dating. Okay, all of them have been about dating. Dating and baking. That’s what this blog has primarily consisted of thus far. When we (my daughter and I) decided to create a blog our main content focus was originally going to include cosmetics, since we own enough to open our own makeup store. And music, namely local Vancouver indie, up and coming musicians.

Ironically we have very little of the intended material posted on our blog as of yet. (we are definitely going to work on it)
It appears that I bake… and I date. Not necessarily in that order.
What is funny is that I haven’t technically even been on a date-date in months now. However, I’m not concerned as I have loads of ‘material’ from past dating experiences to cover me until something new occurs. God knows I’ve been on enough meet and greets and first dates to last the rest of my life. Really, if I never have to go on another awkward first time meet and greet it would be too soon.
Lately, instead of going out on a Friday or Saturday night date, I find it way more interesting to sift through our old family recipes, jot down ideas and ingredients and spend the whole day/night baking up a storm while dancing and singing around the kitchen listening to music. Or my other latest favourite thing, simply crawling into bed, light some candles, cup of hot tea and a great book or interesting blogs and I’m one happy girl. Oh gosh that sounds very, very sad doesn’t it?

I used to go out as often as possible to meet someone from an online dating site with the attitude, you just never know this could be the one. But now, I will only go out and meet someone who I am completely smitten with and there’s at least more than a hint of potential. Otherwise, sorry, I’ve spent way too many hours in the past few years trying to make Mr Wrong fit into Mr Right. That shit just doesn’t work for me anymore. Im learning. Slowly.

I do still have a profile up on a dating site. A site that I have paid 3 months for. It expires at the end of this month. I have not yet decided if I am going to renew my membership or not. I rarely even go on to check messages anymore, it always seems to be a let down. I used to check messages numerous times during the day, now I check maybe once a week or so.

One can’t help but have insecurites and wonder if you’re doing something wrong, portraying yourself in a certain way, good or bad, attracting the wrong guys for the wrong reasons…so many variables. You start to feel like it’s completely you, and that no one wants you. It has gotten to the point that it’s depressing to check messages. Yet I still have that glimmer of hope that maybe I’ll open my mailbox and there will be that one special message waiting for me. From my one and only, my Mr Right. You know? Like the movie, You’ve Got Mail.
A girl can dream.

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Sharing and talking about dating experiences with numerous other single women gives me some sort of comfort and hope. We all have our challenges when it comes to dating regardless of age. I still have to force negative thoughts aside when I start to think I’m way too old to date, I’ll never find anyone and maybe I should just give up. It’s difficult not to think that when I come across a very attractive profile picture of a 40 year old man (perfect age range for me) on a dating site, then upon closer inspection realize he has his potential date age requirement set at 20-35 years of age. Okay, really? You will only date someone that is more than 5+ years younger than yourself? That in itself speaks volumes.

So for now I will have to decide whether to renew my dating profile or not. Until then I have way more pressing matters to attend to. Should I bake the Double Layer Chocolate Cake next or an old family favourite Walnut Coconut Slice?
So many decisions.

Til next time,
Laura xo

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Play On Playa! Part 2.

Play On Playa! Part 2.

Where did I leave off? Oh yes, ‘Ray‘ – the younger handsome guy I’ve been in and out of contact with for the past 6 years since my divorce.

Eventually contact between Ray and I became almost non exsistant. The odd text, ‘hey what’s up?’ or the rare ‘poke’ on Facebook. That was it. Seriously a poke? A ‘poke’ is like saying, “something triggered thoughts of you while I was browsing Facebook but I don’t really feel like saying an actual hello…or exert too much energy on you.”
I wouldn’t even respond most of the time.

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Then a few months ago, I am once again single and back on a dreaded dating site. Out of the blue I received a message on this dating site from Ray! Weird. Wasn’t even the same dating site we initially met on years ago. Small world.
“Hey, fancy meeting you here!” he says. “I see you’re single again?”
Hmmmm? … Alright, I’ll bite because I have no self control apparently. I respond, but not right away. Screw that. I wait a couple of days. That’ll show him. I’m so very busy you know. Laundry, fixing things, uhhh, washing my hair…
Yes, I’m single again I tell him. We exchange a few emails back and forth on the dating site, he asks me out. Again. But it’s been like 4 years and 2 pretty serious relationships in between since I’ve really heard from him. But it’s not like we haven’t known what’s generally been going on in each others lives. Thank God for being Facebook buddies right? No more mystery or anonymity.

He asks me if I want to meet for a drink and catch up. He says he always had fun hangin with me and wonders why we lost touch. Ah yeah, forsure. I’m thinking the same damn thing. We did have lots of fun which is why I find it totally ironic you disappeared off the face of the earth without explanation. But hey, what’s 4 years between friends?

I tell him I’d let him know when I was available. I’m pretty busy you know, doing all kinds of … stuff. I wait a couple of days before replying. I let him know I am available the following week and give him a 2 day option, either Wednesday or Thursday evening after work. I purposely don’t include a weekend day even though I have absolutely no plans to speak of. He is definitely not worthy of a weekend day at this point. Weekends go by too quickly and are reserved for family or for someone who has earned that time slot in my life. I am calling the shots. By now I’ve read a few more books on dating, been on a variety of dates, therefore I feel a little wiser and carry just a little more confidence and experience under my belt.
One of my favourite dating books I read is, ‘Why Men Love Bitches’. It has all sorts of great dating advice and suggestions on what to do and what not do when it comes to dating men. Love that book. I decided to follow their suggestions. I’m all up to date on what a single female must do to have successful dating experiences and how to hopefully find and keep that one and only. Hey, its worth a try.

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Ray chooses to meet Thursday. Good. Thursday works for me. I like Thursdays, they’re always a good day. I ponder what I should wear. It’s winter and cold. Casual jeans. No, too casual. Maybe a little dressier but not overly done. Hell yeah, of course I want him to take notice. I choose to wear tights so I can rock my new Steve Madden boots and pair that with a long black style coat. Perfect. Doesn’t look like I’m trying too hard yet I feel good about my choice.
We meet at 7pm. Guess where? At the same pub where we met for the first time 5 years ago. We both arrive and end up getting out of our vehicles at the same time. It’s like one of those romance movies where the couple walk towards eachother in great anticipation, eager to finally see eachother. Love is in the air, music is playing, birds chirping… okay, no that’s not true. It wasn’t like that at all. But it was definitely good to see him and he looked very handsome. I didn’t expect anything less as I had seen plenty pictures of him posted on Facebook during these past years.

We give each other a genuine embrace and I am surprised that I’m a little shaky from nerves. Only slightly. We make our way into the pub and we find a nice table tucked in the corner near the fireplace. Oddly it doesn’t seem the least bit awkward so I’m questioning my nervousness. Like uncontrollable slight shakiness. Odd.
We order drinks and he proceeds to order a variety of appetizers to share even though I can’t even think of food right now. I’m keeping my cool and we start to get into a good flow of conversation. That’s the thing with Ray and I, we genuinely like eachother and at times it’s as though we are just really, really good friends. Which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the way it is.
Our conversation consists of everything. All the while avoiding any serious talk about ‘us’. That sounds crazy to even say ‘us’. There really was never an ‘us’. But ladies, you know how we women are. We want to put labels on things as to make sense of the situation. Or is that just me? In any regard…
My nerves settle and I feel calm. I’m sure the wine is contributing to that.
I finally decide to just come out and say it, “So, why do you think we stopped seeing eachother?” Whew. There, said it. Do you ever say something out loud and immediately wish you could just rewind, reword or just keep your mouth shut?
He pauses, laughs and makes some remark about me not wasting anytime getting right to it. It’s almost impossible to know what he is thinking or going to say but I feel slightly nervous what he might say.
“Hmmm…” he says, “I think it was because I was so immature but thought I was ready to settle down. I was no where near ready.”
That’s it? I think ‘Really?’ Okay, not sure how to respond to that. But you know, having a couple sips of wine and running thoughts through my mind, processing, I think he does have a point. He was young. Hell, he’s still young. Remembering back I recall how persistent he was and how convincing he was just to get me to meet him. Fact still remains, he was definitely young. That’s for sure. I suppose in the back of my mind these past years I was completely aware of this and therefore never let myself get completely emotionally involved. You know, me being the older, wiser more mature one and all.

Conversation continues, and it’s just so comfortable. We’ve talked so long, the pub is shutting down and closes for the night. The evening went by so very fast. He suggests I should come over so I can listen to his CD. A music project he invested a lot of his time, heart and soul into. He played the instruments and recorded the whole project. It’s funny because when we used to hang out we always had our love for music in common, our connection. We used to talk about music forever. Could never get enough.
“No, I don’t think its a good idea to come over tonight. It’s late. I have to get up early.” I’m saying out loud while internally thinking, yes, yes, I definitely want to come over. Most definitely yes. Why not?
Well, I’ll tell you why not. There’s probably at least a million reasons why not.
I stick to my word and I tell him that we’ll have to get together again soon. Perferably not in another 4 years. He insists that I should at least sit in his truck with him and listen to a couple of his songs before I go. I oblige as I am truly excited to hear his music accomplishment.
I say goodnight and we part ways. He says he’ll call.
Will you Ray? Are you really going to call?
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Laura xo

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Life

Play on Playa! Part 1.

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On Sunday I ended up getting a text from (let’s call him Ray). He was one of the first guys I met after my divorce and we’ve been in and out of touch for the past 6 years.

Let me give you a little background on ‘Ray’… I met Ray online (surprise, surprise) approximately 8 months after my separation/divorce.
Now, Ray is 10 years younger then me. (Gasp!) Or maybe he is 11 years younger. I can’t be too sure because back then (6 years ago) I always told people, more specifically, potential dates, that I was one or two years younger then I actually was. So at this point I can’t even remember what age I told him I was. I was 38 then, had been with my husband since I was 18 years old. That’s 20 years! After we separated I felt like I was incredibly old, like dinosaur old. Awkward and inexperienced at dating. So to make myself feel better I gave myself a couple of years lead way. Like a present to myself. I deserved it, I earned that right to adjust my age as far as I was concerned. It doesn’t matter.
Anyways, point is, Ray was younger, very attractive, funny, smart, never married, no kids, doesn’t want kids (perfect because I don’t/can’t either), tattooed, great job, ambitious, owned his own home and truck (pretty hard to find a guy who does at that age). He contacted me on a popular dating site and we began to correspond regularly. At first I wasn’t even going to meet him, strictly because of the age difference. But he was very persistent and pointed out all of the reasons why I should meet him and give him a chance. Literally, he sent me a list of numbered reasons why I should give him a chance. Impressive. Who could resist? I finally agreed and we met for a drink.

We met at a local pub and instantly there was chemistry between us. After our first drink he tells me he’ll pay for the first drink but go dutch on the rest. Is this the current dating standard I wonder? Okay, I say while thinking what the hell? But mulling it over silently in my mind I realized that seems pretty fair. I figured why should he pay when It was only our first meeting. It wasn’t an official date-date, after all. That and because I knew I was only having one drink, that’s my limit on a first meeting/date so it really wasn’t a huge issue for me. My rules. (and I’m allowed to break them too, only when I see fit… that’s the beauty of making your own rules!)
Hell, I didn’t even know the so called ‘rules of dating’. I made them up as I went along. So out of the loop. Regardless, I decided not to make any harsh assumptions or formed opinions about him. Yet. I made a mental note to self to confirm with friends immediately on what’s the appropriate protocol on these types of online first meetings/dates. Does he pay, you pay, we both pay? Do we discuss these details or wait for that awkward situation when it’s time to pay and I do the whole reaching into my purse to find my wallet and be like, “I’ll pay for mine, don’t worry.”
I’d have to get to the bottom of this asap and find out the 101 on dating etiquette.
Which reminds me, I went through a faze where I would insist on paying, for myself and whom ever I was out with. I would quickly pull out my wallet, snag the waitress and hand her my credit card, or pay when he was in the washroom. I felt like I needed to be this independent woman and not have a man pay for me. I didn’t want to feel like I owed anyone anything. I have issues, it’s true. I’m sure there’s some underlying deep explanation as to why I felt that way (and still do to some extent) but that’s a whole other blog post (or more).

Back then I was totally clueless and new to dating. When I look back now I can clearly see what kind of dumb ass moves I made. Hindsight is 20/20.
Having been in a marriage for so many years I was used to being part of a duo, a couple, a pair. Solo I seemed lost and probably clingy to these new men who came into my life. I seemed to be constantly looking for a man to fill that huge void I was carrying around. Meanwhile, at the time I thought I was playing it cool but I was most likely giving off the ‘marry me asap’ vibe which probably had some guys pretty damn nervous and running in the opposite direction.

Ray and I went on many dates, hung out a lot, went to concerts, watched movies and tuned into Dancing With The Stars weekly. Don’t judge, we loved that show back then. We had lots of fun together and enjoyed eachothers company. This went on for numerous months sparatically.
We had the kind of relationship that really seemed like a good friendship. We never talked about dating or not dating anyone else, we never assumed anything about each other or where either of us stood. Maybe in the back of my mind our age difference kept my feelings at bay. Were we exclusive or not? It never came up. It was more like an unspoken understanding between us that I guess I actually never really understood. I mean, I am a woman after all and even though I realized we weren’t exactly at the serious exclusive stage, of course the thoughts of maybe, what if, what would it be like and where is this thing we got going on….going?

After awhile he stopped calling as much and making plans as often. More and more time would pass between seeing each other. It kinda hurt my feelings (and ego) but I decided he definitely wasn’t worth it. Yeah, that’s what I kept telling myself to make myself feel somewhat better. Rejection is never fun.

I ended up meeting someone else (lets call him Wayne) at a pub, not online. The old fashioned way. Shocking. We danced and danced the night away to a live band who played dj music during their breaks… our first dance was to ‘Sexy Back’ by Justin Timberlake. Biggest song of the summer which is why I remember it. Oddly enough weird facts like that take up space in my brain. Not sure why.

Anyways, Its a good thing Wayne approached me because my girl friend (aka wing girl) that night had pretty much abandoned me. She was off on her merry way dancing and flirting with the guy who was standing at the end of the bar giving her the flirty eye for 2 hours before he got up enough liquid courage and finally found his way over and asked her to dance. Really? uggghhh.
She never was a good wing woman and she most definitely didn’t know the cardinal rules of being a wing woman.

A few days later I end up finding out through a mutual friend that Ray was seen with a very sexy brunette. Say what? My friend can’t believe my reaction is not of complete shock, hurt and despair. Ironically I am thinking how can I possibly be questioning him when I spent the previous night dancing up a storm and getting a wee bit cozy with Wayne. So in that case Mr. Ray, Play on Playa.

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Life

Attracting Mr. Right Online

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I have been on and off online dating sites since my divorce 6 years ago. The whole concept of dating sites has come a long way since then. Just 6 years ago the thought of signing onto a dating site was foreign and embarrassing. And now, well, I’m only slightly embarrassed.

I got quite a bit of slack from my mother and people in my life. Doesn’t matter how old I am, my mother still talks to me sometimes like I’m 16.  ‘Oh my god Laura, why are you on some lame dating site? You don’t need that!’

Well, apparently I do. How else am I going to meet anyone new? I’ve been set up by family and friends and there’s no one left who is single in my little social circle in this big ol’ world. That’s right, online dating sites. That’s all I have left. That and the possibility of meeting Mr. Right in the grocery store, Chapter’s, Home Depot or possibly in the dog park. But I’m here to say, those suggestions are not working so far. I’m keeping my options open.

I have gone through many stages and opinions regarding online dating. I have constantly changed the way I set up my profile, the types of photos I post, information I share or don’t share about myself. It is critical how you set that shit up. This is portraying you and your personality. This information ultimately determines what type of guy will be attracted to your profile and contact you. You have to keep in mind what kind of guy you’re interested in attracting dependent on the information you share.

I’ve gone from writing way too much information, lots of photos and setting my potential date requirements relatively low to moderate. Then to the opposite extreme, minimal personal information, one head shot and my date requirements set to very high. I’m still unsure what works best.

I just go with the motto, stay true to yourself and what you’re searching for. Be real and be honest.

I’m so tired of people saying I’m being way too picky, he was such a nice guy. Well, I’m a real nice girl. Hell, I’m a damn awesome girl. Don’t I deserve an awesome guy? Shouldn’t I be with someone just as awesome?

Why does it seem there’s this double standard when it comes to dating and meeting one’s potential partner?

As women we’re supposed to be successful, independent, beautiful, intelligent yet settle for the guy who is so nice? I say hell no.

Not this girl. Not ever. I respect myself way too much to settle. And so should all of you single ladies out there.

At one point I had succumb to the overwhelming pressure that I was being way too picky, letting all of the good ones get away, having too high of standards (pffft, is there such a thing?) and not giving the ‘good’ guys out there a chance. So I decided to meet guys that I wasn’t particularly physically attracted to but had personalities and a sense of humour that interested me. I gave it the good ole’ college try. I really did. Sometimes even going on a 2nd date just in an effort to get to know them just a bit more in hopes that I would feel that somethin’ somethin. Nothin. Didn’t work. Now I’m not saying that method never ever works. I’m sure sometimes a person can become more attractive with time because he has that incredible personality. I’m sure it happens. Just hasn’t for me in the way I need it to. That’s just me.

I want to be physically and mentally attracted at the same time for the same guy. I want to miss them like crazy when we’re apart. I want to crave to be with them again. I want to look at him and feel that insatiable feeling of lust and love. If he isn’t doing it for you then you’re just not that into him and that’s okay ladies. Keep trying. Nothing gained, nothing lost right?

Now all of you single ladies, think about what information you’re sharing online and just what kind of man you’re hoping to attract. And please, please ladies for the love of god, do not post any self fishy lips face pics. They are never gonna be hot.

Til next time all of you beautiful single ladies, stay strong and be true to yourself.

Laura xo

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